conscious in coma

Here, i put down my present state of mind...the whirlpool of thoughts spirallin endlessly in my head.

LOOPED INTO INFINITY....
wake up at 6 in the morning to time's tight slap on the face... my race with time starts off there after.... get ready.... get bottled in traffic... reach offic.... stand in a long queue to sign in, only after which u r allowed to enter inside... sit at the comp... listen to dumb lectures.... sign un-dated bonds.... eat... back to the code n the lessons on white board.... let off... q again to sign out... engulfed in traffic once more.... eat....sleep.... get slapped again.... wake up.....

the machine runs.... will have to run.... don know exactly y though.... fear of joblessness? family responsibility? success-drive? compulsion?

my mind has never been this interrogative like this until now...these few days have flooded me with thoughts about everything happening around me... may be im jus not percieving things the right way, but some of the questions risen inside jus dont seem to die... occuring and re-occuring.... never fading,never dying thoughts.


KNOCK-KNOCK.... QUALITY???? ANYBODY HOME????
assuming that i was moving higher as i moved from uvce to an mnc, i seeked quality. this feeling seemed natural to me, afterall all of us know the kind of dirt-level we put up with in our college lives.... but things look no diff here... the work, quality of training, the training staff, facilities, peer group, everything fell way below my expectations....


CAMPUS TO CORPORATE WORKSHOP.....BRAINS SHUT-SHOP!!!
this was a 4-day mega-farting session... everything about u is already laid down like rules of a game...u were a jerk in college.... u had no responsibilities... u were nobody then, value null.... now u r a dignified working proffesional.... u were never respected then, but u'l be revered now, provided u r a puppet to any sort of insructions given to u...

and then the steps to be followed if u want to reach higher in the 'corporate ladder':
how u have to talk, walk, dress, eat, piss,(rub??!!).....
u r no more urself.... u r a team-member...
concentrate, be on time all the time,n so on n on n on....

what the hell is all this man? cant these things be picked up by anybody as days go by? should v be instructed in everything v do? is a 'coaching' required for all this? n y cant anything outside these meaningless boudaries be socially decent or respectful or correct?


who's to say whats for me to say?
who's to say whats for me to do?
who's to say whats for me to be?
cos a big nothig it'l be for me!!!! ;) ...(mustaine)


LIFE GOES ON.... OUT ON A LEAVE
I remember the first words of the trainer during the Campus to Corporate shit..... she said

now everythin u say has a meaning.....everything u do in life has a meaning.... i asked(only to myself) ....ok... but does life actually have a meaning???
im not trying to sound very philosophical... neither am i trying to make some kinda fundoo statement.... its jus a plain straight forward ques...


the mentality of many ppl around leaves me puzzled... all that they seem to bother about is only the next step. wat im tryin to say is... statements like..."oh maga... studies aithu.... kelsa bandhaithu... nextu ondhu olle hudugi sikbitrey saaku.... ashte...life settledu"
understand??? i this is all life about?

is life jus about growing up n working n gettin married n having kids??? it looks like as is life is jus about creating problems for ourselves n then finding solutions to them n then seeking happiness in doin so. is there nothing more life's gotta offer?


whats happened to tat old 5-letter word 'dream'? weren all of us supposed to dream big when v were young? but when v r big the dreams r all gone. ambitions n dreams r slaughtered, sacrificed in the name of acceptance of life.
accordin to me, children should be taught never to dream or have ambitions. cos, dreams r inevitably going to come under the crushing wheels of the act-of-existance and the art-of-survival, get killed, rotting into valueless fossils of a what-cud-hav-been-life.


the way the lives of most of us r lived, seems so stereotype n similar at the base level....as if it were all pre-programmed....jus strip off the cloak of work or designation from the body of life n observe... the similarity is undeniably true n sad... they r all like clones...


our life thru school til colg is spent in triviality...

colg days in some increased maturity, occasionally even revolutionary thinking... but responsibilites reveal the inevitable futility of any revolution...

then on life is spent in an unsettled slurry of activities tryin to 'settle' in life....

(it reminds me of the matrix!)

we all somehow seem to fix our lives on to this 'life-cycle' n jus let our lives be driven by it, ultimately turnin into mere spectatators of our own lives....


i think the nuclues of this flawed-system lies in the way most of us r brought up.... right from early school days, v r always taught to 'enjoy what v do' n not 'do wat v enjoy', be it by teachers or parents....
y cant one be taught to do wat he likes until n unless it is against the law or someone els.... V can all continue to go on the same way, tryin to enjoy wat v do, but for how long???


FUEL FOR SURVIVAL....
even as i write this.... im thinkin of work... thinkin of some program which had gone wrong in class yesterday.... yes, even i find it strange, but i think thats the way things start to happen....
its some sort of mind-seige or seizure of the brain where any conflicting thoughts are annihilated...

existance just caves in n life gets sucked in... into bottomless pits of living, of routine, of indifference, and the inevitability of events strung together n told to be accepted as life.

the traumatic environment surrounding the mind, ignites many thoughts like career-suicide or substance-assistance, but somehow i've been over-powering these thoughts by adhering to certains decisions. The book 'a million little pieces' has induced certain interest in Tao philosophy, along with which ive deviced some of my own, creating a set of guidilines according to which i try to tame my mind :

Never judge anything. its only when things r judged, that v decide that somethin is good or somethin is bad. its only then that v develop interest or disinterest in it. avoid judge anythin. do not accept or reject anythin. just let it be.

Geographical boundaries, territory, language, religion, sect, etc must hold no relevance in life or in any decision-making. stay neutral. do not love or loathe, develop no affection or aversion towards anyone from any particular geographical division.

And, as James Frey says in his book..... hold on.